To Begin Again
by Paula J. Abdul Fan
Summary: Scully looks back on the past to see that she has lost many things, but gained so much more, including and everlasting love for Mulder.


Title: To Begin Again  
Author: Paula J. Abdul Fan  
Rated: PG-13  
Category: MSR, One-shot, Short Story  
Date: 5-3-04  
Feed back & Archiving: Please oh please. As long as I know where it's  
going, it's okay with me!  
Disclaimer: Okay you know I didn't create The X-Files. Yada yada yada...  
Chris Carter did. Yada yada yada... I don't own Mulder and/or Scully... Yada  
yada yada... Chris Carter, David Duchovny, and Gillian Anderson do... Yada yada  
yada... *rambles on about giant man-eating monkeys*  
Summary: Scully reflects on the past that has brought them to the present  
moment and situation that they are in. She realizes many things aren't  
always what they seem to be, but something even more.  
  
To Begin Again  
Written by, Paula J. Abdul Fan  
  
Rosswell, New Mexico  
  
I lie there watching the minutes go by like all the precious moments  
that Mulder and I have shared through out the years. Pain, hate, sorrow,  
trust, distrust, danger, exhilaration, passion, we experienced all of these  
emotions, and we lost so much in just a few years time at the beginning of  
our search; the search for the truth. Although he knew what lie before him  
in every case, although he knew that the X-Files might be shutdown for  
good, he was drawn to it like a moth to a flame. And I followed him every  
step of the way, but I didn't know what I was getting myself into at the  
time.  
However, when I loss my father, I was beginning to doubt that I could  
even stay with just a moment to spare. The loss of my father was only the  
beginning of my emotional pain. Along with the loss of my father, came the  
loss of my sister, the loss of my daughter who I never even got to know,  
the loss of Mulder for a while, and then, the loss of my son. As I look  
back on everything I've lost, I realized that I gained even more from the  
losses. From my losses, I gained confidence, strength, and a will to keep  
going on, even in the darkest of hours.  
I know that things will never be the same again now that Mulder and I  
are on the run, but I have also realized, that this is the beginning, not  
the ending-of a new chapter in my life; in Mulder's life. I lie silently on  
the motel bed, watching through the blinds, the little droplets of rain  
pour down in front of the window, shielding my eyes from the cruel truth  
that lurks outside like the wolf at the door. I hear the sound of that old  
bell calling for me and Mulder, telling us that this is our fight too, that  
we deserve a second chance; just like so many others do.  
The rain, my thoughts, the precious time that must be made up, all of  
it is depriving me from my slumber, but I can't help but wonder what things  
are going to be like now that we don't have the X-Files. We must live like  
exiles, banned from our tribe; deprived of a normal life. I guess that we  
never had a normal life to begin with, that we were both targeted the  
moment I stepped foot into his office, but even if I knew now what lay  
before me, if we were to search for the truth all over again, I wouldn't  
trade it for anything in the world.  
Mulder was, is, my light in the darkness. He gave me a loving son, a  
son that I was never supposed to have. He gave me all the respect and  
dignity that I thought that I deserved, but it was really he who deserved  
the respect and dignity. He had done so much for the benefit of others at  
the cost of his own life. He's a hero in my eyes, and I saw every bit of  
him in our own son, who now lies in his crib, safe from the men and women  
who seek to destroy the seekers of the truth.  
Tears well up in my eyes as I begin to see that we will never see our  
baby boy again, if we do not want to see him harmed in any way. Sobs begin  
to rack my body and vibrate the bed. I hear Mulder inhale then exhale  
loudly as he is woken from his sleep. He combs a hand through his hair and  
blinks his eyes. He wonders where the noise and the vibration is coming  
from. As I lie in my spot, quiet as a mouse, I pray to God that he doesn't  
realize that it is I who is crying, but my prayer doesn't reach his ears in  
time.  
Mulder rolls over on his side and spoons me. He whispers into my ears,  
sweet, comforting words, words that make my crying stop. I roll over to  
face him and see him gazing intently at me. A smile finds its way to the  
corners of his mouth and finally becomes contagious. He pulls me closer and  
kisses my forehead. I sigh and nuzzle into his chest in return. I know I  
have found my safe haven. I know that the only place that I'll ever be safe  
from the coming plague is in Mulder's arms, where I intend to stay every  
night for the rest of my life.  
"Scully, what's wrong?" his sweet, low voice says with concern. With his  
thumb he wipes the tears that fall slowly down and tickle my cheek away.  
"What are you thinking?" he asks me. My breath is caught in my throat. Dare  
I say that I think it's my fault that I couldn't protect my own son, that I  
had to give him because I feared that I was weak? I shake my head.  
"Nothing's wrong Mulder," I say, hoping to satisfy him, but he won't have  
none of it. He shakes his head, refusing to take my answer. With both of  
his work-worn hands, he cups my face and pulls it away from his chest. He  
looks me squarely in the eyes. I know what he's going to say, and I know  
he's going to say because he won't let me blame this on myself. He thinks  
that in some way, it's his fault too, for not being there for me and for  
William.  
"Scully, you know and I know that you know good and well that nothing's  
wrong," he let's go of my face and gently pulls it back towards his chest  
again. He embraces me warmly, sighing as he does so. He inhales, then  
exhales. "You're thinking of William, aren't you?" as I said, he knew  
exactly what I was thinking the whole time.  
I nod my head sorrowfully and cry mournfully into his chest. He holds me  
close. He holds me tight. He makes me feel like I'm special, that I'm  
wanted. Now all I wanted to do was melt into his embrace, to experience  
life to its fullest. I was finally able to go on with the rest of my life,  
even if it looked grim. I know that we would have to begin again, and this  
time, begin with the ending in mind. Cause if we do, it might give us the  
power listen to what's speak, and the power to save ourselves, and maybe,  
just maybe our son...  
-Finn- 


End file.
